Pain

It hurts. Every time I really think about what has gone on behind my back. It raises questions, it makes me get this knot in my stomach to where I feel I have to swallow to keep the bile from rising up my throat. It makes me wonder if my whole marriage has been a lie or a sham. I know people make mistakes, but what did I do to deserves these mistakes.
I love my husband...maybe I didn't show it enough, maybe I didn't do his laundry right, or cook the right dinner.
Maybe I didn't make him happy or try hard enough to ask if he was happy. I guess I just got caught up in this busy crazy life and didn't see everything very clear.
Maybe the warning signs were right in front of my face, or maybe he was so slick and I didn't notice.
It's just not fair. It makes me cry and I still have to keep it together for the boys.

I will work it out on the inside because I owe it to myself and if he wants to work it out for us I guess that is a decision he has to make.

This week flew by

My week was crazy busy. While school is super busy,  I have been overly studying and writing two different papers. One paper I really messed up and waiting til the day of to complete...I do not recommend this ever!!
Before I knew it, it was Friday and the work week was over. Tonight was nice. N went to go see Cars 2 with his nanny/babysitter who we will call M, who is in his eyes basically his girlfriend.

He came home on cloud nine, couldn't stop talking about the movie. Then it came time for M to leave, and we had a MELT DOWN. One would have thought he would never see M ever again. Little did he know she would be back the very next day first thing in the morning. To make matters worse, P's mom was there to get N to stay the night. Normal he would be overjoyed, but due to the current melt down he was even more angry. It was a breath of fresh air when she finally got him out of the house for the night. One P's mom got N home he finally did calm down and enjoy his stay. That few minutes was rough. This is when I want to tell my three year old "GET IT TOGETHER!!"

After he left I managed to put E to bed, stress-free and now my house was quiet and still, I just watched a movie and went to bed rather early.

A day in the life of a crazy haired baby

E is quickly approaching his first birthday and it scares me something fierce. I can't believe my baby is going to be a year old...I feel like it flew by and now he is changing from a baby to a big boy.
His hair is CRAZY, N had some hair when he was E's age but not like this.

This is nice and put together for a photo sess

This is first thing in the morning, eating breakfast.

I see a huge difference how about you?!?

A good day

Today was a "normal day" or close to what it was six weeks ago. We woke up went to church, enjoyed the word came home ate lunch and managed to lounge around the house all day without a fight, a disagreement, or a mention of "her."

I wish everyday was normal like this but it won't ever be again. I just hope I can avoid the fights, disagreements and maybe the mention of "her," most of the time.

I pray I can make tuff it out.

My Boys

I think like most mothers think A-My kids are AWESOME, B-Amazingly Beautiful and C. Highly intelligent.

I love my boys, there are so many days lately where they are the only reason I get out of bed.

Things were getting better between P and I. We are working on it.

It's a work in progress and something I need to remind myself it won't

get fixed over night, because it didn't get ruined in a nightt.

Calling it a night.

I started Running....

I've never been one to ever willingly run. I always had the mind set if someone was chasing me, I would run like HELL...other than that no need to run. Let's be honest I've always been top heavy, and the combination of wearing two or three bras to go exhaust myself out of breath never really appealed to me. I would much rather take a class, or dance, or use the elipicital machine.

I have since changed my opinion because my sisters and my dad all signed up for this "mud run" and were convinced I wouldn't do it so they didn't even bother asking me...naturally I have to do it and now beat atleast one of them

I bought these new snazzy shoes, and some new clothes to help my motivation. I'm up to 2.5-3.0 miles a day, I've got to get to 5.0 miles and fast. The run is August 13

Something happened to me I never thought would

I never thought I would see the day when I would say these words..."My husband cheated on me."

In my head I thought I could always count on him for honesty, whatever it was. Good, bad, or ugly...P had always been honest with be, even at times too brutely honest. I thought if he wanted someone else he would tell me, our marriage would dissolve and we would go our seperate ways.

In reality it didn't happen that way. He had been acting a little strange, but I honestly attested it to the fact that his job was stressful and he was just really busy. His boss, often passed the work down to P and I figured it was just job stresses. He fell asleep early, his phone kept going off, innocently I opened it.

Right there in front of my face, my worst fears and nightmares became a reality. HE was a CHEATER, I wanted to cry, scream, and break something all at the same time.

In reality I just confronted him...he cried and said he was sorry. He said it only happened twice, and that it was a mistake, she made him feel special and there was nothing more to come of it. Questions were whirling in my head, was he sorry he did it or sorry I caught him.

My dad cheated on my mom, and I saw her heartbreak, I vowed to never let anyone to do that me. I learned a brutal lesson that night, she didn't let him to it to her any more than I let P do it...They are selfish and inconsiderate. We weren't in there thoughts when they did it.

I am left heart broken, and hurt. I still have to put a good face on for N & E...and figure out what to do with my life.