I am certain of a few things

I am me, and I love me...that will never change.
I have my boys N & E who I love unconditionally and in return love me unconditionally
I have a great job, and I love to dance.

Those are the things I know for sure..

All the others, my marriage, my life as of now...I am unsure of.
I feel as if he doesn't want to be with me, but that he isn't man enough to say it. So he waits for me to say it.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a cyclone watching things spin out of control and watching everything with the exception of my boys fade away.

Pregnancy

As mentioned in previous posts my marriage is on rocky ground. I am involved in something I thought I would never have to deal with. I am about to embark on an unwanted journey; one that I didn't have a say in. These decisions were selfishly and disrespectfully made for me. We will call her J, the woman P had relations with. Well she really is pregnant. She swears it is his child; that there is absolutely no possibility of another father. For this I am devastated. I can't believe that this is being forced on me if I choose my marriage. I have to deal with the fact he is a liar, he lied and lied and lied. He disrespected me, and dishonored his family. She is no better, she knew about the boys and I. She said in her own words well if he isn't happy at home he will get it else where.
Well he sure did get it else where; what he didn't count on way the baby. He was irresponsible, he should have not done it. He should have been smarter.
But now he has a baby due March 2012, and I'm at a loss. WE are financially partially responsible for this child that I had no say for the next 18 years if it is his. It was a hurry up and wait. We had to see if she was legit in the pregnancy and now that we know she is we wait 8 more months to do the DNA test, that will hopefully prove it isn't his child.

For now I wait.

Pain

It hurts. Every time I really think about what has gone on behind my back. It raises questions, it makes me get this knot in my stomach to where I feel I have to swallow to keep the bile from rising up my throat. It makes me wonder if my whole marriage has been a lie or a sham. I know people make mistakes, but what did I do to deserves these mistakes.
I love my husband...maybe I didn't show it enough, maybe I didn't do his laundry right, or cook the right dinner.
Maybe I didn't make him happy or try hard enough to ask if he was happy. I guess I just got caught up in this busy crazy life and didn't see everything very clear.
Maybe the warning signs were right in front of my face, or maybe he was so slick and I didn't notice.
It's just not fair. It makes me cry and I still have to keep it together for the boys.

I will work it out on the inside because I owe it to myself and if he wants to work it out for us I guess that is a decision he has to make.

This week flew by

My week was crazy busy. While school is super busy,  I have been overly studying and writing two different papers. One paper I really messed up and waiting til the day of to complete...I do not recommend this ever!!
Before I knew it, it was Friday and the work week was over. Tonight was nice. N went to go see Cars 2 with his nanny/babysitter who we will call M, who is in his eyes basically his girlfriend.

He came home on cloud nine, couldn't stop talking about the movie. Then it came time for M to leave, and we had a MELT DOWN. One would have thought he would never see M ever again. Little did he know she would be back the very next day first thing in the morning. To make matters worse, P's mom was there to get N to stay the night. Normal he would be overjoyed, but due to the current melt down he was even more angry. It was a breath of fresh air when she finally got him out of the house for the night. One P's mom got N home he finally did calm down and enjoy his stay. That few minutes was rough. This is when I want to tell my three year old "GET IT TOGETHER!!"

After he left I managed to put E to bed, stress-free and now my house was quiet and still, I just watched a movie and went to bed rather early.

A day in the life of a crazy haired baby

E is quickly approaching his first birthday and it scares me something fierce. I can't believe my baby is going to be a year old...I feel like it flew by and now he is changing from a baby to a big boy.
His hair is CRAZY, N had some hair when he was E's age but not like this.

This is nice and put together for a photo sess

This is first thing in the morning, eating breakfast.

I see a huge difference how about you?!?

My Boys

I think like most mothers think A-My kids are AWESOME, B-Amazingly Beautiful and C. Highly intelligent.

I love my boys, there are so many days lately where they are the only reason I get out of bed.

Things were getting better between P and I. We are working on it.

It's a work in progress and something I need to remind myself it won't

get fixed over night, because it didn't get ruined in a nightt.

Calling it a night.

My awesome life

I just wanted to say...my life rocks.

I'm taking the boys out to run errands.

Have a good one

Busy

Many would say I am too busy. I put my hand in a lot of pots per say and sometimes over do it. I sometimes have to be reminded I am only one person and I can only do so much. I am so in love with the idea of being super mom, super wife, super student, and super-woman; I sometimes let it go to my head and I just say yes to things almost to say I did it.

I don't want to live my life by check boxes. I don't want to have a list and feel successful when I complete a number of tasks. To fix this error I have been making, I'm just going to go and do things because I want to...freely and hopefully at random.
Pray that I am successful in seeking these goals, of not living by a list.