Forever changed

We are two separate people living in the same house. We don't talk, we don't touch, we hardly communicate unless it pertains to the boys. We are in the process of trying to figure out living situations, but he and I alike are stubborn. He doesn't believe that I should stay in the house, and I of course believe the complete opposite. That is our house, my boys house and just because he doesn't want to play house doesn't mean the boys and I should have the call it quits. We love that house, and it's our home...The boys have a yellow playroom, and they feel safe and comfortable there. I do believe this will end badly and this will no longer be our home, I pray it all works out.

A Lucky girl

Everyone goes through things...Everyone has events that make them who they are; with that being said look at this picture.

Even on my worst of days, and lets be completely honest...I've had a lot of bad days lately. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world! I have these two beautiful boys to wake up to and if that's not enough then I get to  have dance parties and go to the pool and the beach along side them.

So their dad doesn't love me, is that my fault? No, it's not I was a damn good wife, of course I had my flaws...doesn't everyone? But the man had a place to call home, a homemade meal to come home to after a long day at work and school, and clean clothes. I supported him in school, and helped him pursue his dreams for his future. Am I bitter or angry? Not one bit, I have them, and for N & E  I am eternally grateful.

Today

My life...who would have know that it would change like this?! My best friend, my husband, the father of my children is and has been sleeping on the couch...like it's his bedroom, and honestly it looks like he is completely okay with that.
He doesn't understand why I can't "Just get over it..."
Well here's an idea bud, you took my life, shook it like a holy hell storm, and then dumped it upside down and said hey now you can clean up the mess.
Everything I thought was mine, everything I thought was my life, was nothing but a sham and a lie...so forgive me if I can't just "get over it."

The ship has sailed

I have made up my mind. I deserve a thousand times better and one day I will get that. Until that day I wait, patiently. I have my boys who give me a reason everyday to wake with a smile and push through my day. I only cry because he will miss out on their lives. E's first steps, and N's great days at school. He will miss out on family pizza night and trips to the zoo. He thought he could have his cake and eat it too. But you can't have a girlfriend, a pregnant one and a life at home with a wife and two little boys. As I type this I have been packing his belongings all morning. He is set to move out tomorrow. To where he goes I don't know.

Forever changed

Now he wants to work it out. Now that he knows I have had too much and he has pushed me too far. He wants me back. He still talks to her daily.
But I will make it, I have great boys, and a great job. The best of friends and a rocking education program going on.

I will make it because I have to make it. I have to prove to him that he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve the world.

I am certain of a few things

I am me, and I love me...that will never change.
I have my boys N & E who I love unconditionally and in return love me unconditionally
I have a great job, and I love to dance.

Those are the things I know for sure..

All the others, my marriage, my life as of now...I am unsure of.
I feel as if he doesn't want to be with me, but that he isn't man enough to say it. So he waits for me to say it.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a cyclone watching things spin out of control and watching everything with the exception of my boys fade away.

Off to the beach we go

We spent our Sunday at the beach, and boy did we have a good time. This is E's first summer and he is such a water baby

Ps this beautiful girl, is my BF who adores N & E.

Birthday Party for Baby

For E's first birthday party part one it was at my moms.

Rocking under the sea cake!!

Totally unsure of this cake thing...

N telling E it's too awesome, not to try!!

Going in...

Living the dream =)

Totally in love with the pool

For birthday part two, it was smaller and at my mom house with a lot of P.'s family

Shark that P made

Singing Happy Birthday, to my baby with brother's help!

Into this "cake" thing

A total mess!

Happy Birthday Baby!!

I'm so sick

I want it to be a fairy tale....I want him to tell me how sorry he is, how bad he knows he hurt me, and how he plans to fix it. Instead I get almost nothing, I get his expectations of how I'm suppose to act normal like nothing happened, like this girl and his actions dumped my "normal" life upside down.
Tonight I'm just sad I'm so sick and tired of wanted to work through it and try to almost over compensate when I actually did not do a damn thing wrong. I didn't do anything to make him cheat; I didn't ask for it.I loved my husband and i still love him I just don't know how much more I can take.

Such a week

No news from the girl having the baby, I wish I could come up with a polite name for her...nothing is coming to mind.
It has been a good week for us so far, Sunday we went to the beach and enjoyed the weather and the family time. My friends were also at the beach so it gave N and E someone to play with besides just P and I. I got to sleep in on Sunday before the beach, that was a rather nice change. I had hella shit to deal with when I did get up, so I'm not really sure if it was worth it. OH well.
Class last night, learn a lot and then she told us we wouldn't have a quiz on Wednesday, but she would like it if we still came to class...Um, yea right. I got things to do. Tonight I took a zumba class with my sister, IT WAS LOVE, again. I can't wait to get certified to teach Zumba. I love it so much and it's so worth the exercise. It's a great party, and with the correct instructor, it's the best part of my day!!

If you haven't tried it I strongly recommend it. With the combination of zumba and moderate to extreme dieting I've lost 7 pounds.

After all I have to wear this on August 12th for a Hulu performance...I'll keep you posted on how the weight loss is going.

He is ONE year old

E turned a year old on Wednesday, poor guy fell asleep before he even had any cake. We had P family over for BBQ and cake last night. E and N enjoyed the company. P seemed to enjoy having his family over for the evening. I left early to go out for my BF's birthday. We sure did have a good time, we went to dinner and then out for drinks and a little dancing. It was nice to see a bunch of people I haven't seen in a while; I felt a like human. I felt like a normal person who has a normal life and not one that is crumbling down around me. I love my friends.
E had a whole week of birthday celebration, and he still has a tiny fiesta. My dad was unable to attend his parties so he wants to have his own fiesta. I will post all the picutures shortly.

I'm just sick.

Maybe I am just so used to being hurt I'm willing to take it...I mean kick me while I'm down...You've already done it like ten times, what is one more?
He was off today, he asked last night what can I do tomorrow to make you happy? "Take care of the yard, we have a lot of family and friends coming over for E's birthday party."
He says "Okay, no problem, consider it done."


And what did he do...He lied.again.

My yard is not taken care of, and it's mostly his family coming over tomorrow who know nothing. I'm living a lie.

If your name is Dave, Davey, David...You get free food!!

If you have one of these close by

and youre name is Dave, Davey, David...
You get FREE food from Famous Dave's on August 14, 2011 (Value up to $15)

Pregnancy

As mentioned in previous posts my marriage is on rocky ground. I am involved in something I thought I would never have to deal with. I am about to embark on an unwanted journey; one that I didn't have a say in. These decisions were selfishly and disrespectfully made for me. We will call her J, the woman P had relations with. Well she really is pregnant. She swears it is his child; that there is absolutely no possibility of another father. For this I am devastated. I can't believe that this is being forced on me if I choose my marriage. I have to deal with the fact he is a liar, he lied and lied and lied. He disrespected me, and dishonored his family. She is no better, she knew about the boys and I. She said in her own words well if he isn't happy at home he will get it else where.
Well he sure did get it else where; what he didn't count on way the baby. He was irresponsible, he should have not done it. He should have been smarter.
But now he has a baby due March 2012, and I'm at a loss. WE are financially partially responsible for this child that I had no say for the next 18 years if it is his. It was a hurry up and wait. We had to see if she was legit in the pregnancy and now that we know she is we wait 8 more months to do the DNA test, that will hopefully prove it isn't his child.

For now I wait.

A Day off

I took a day off from work. I told my boss what was going on in my life...the problems I was facing and she willingly gave me the day. She said take the time, and do what you have. I originally wanted to kick him out, rid myself of the very thing that is causing my heart to break. I woke up dropped the boys off like normal and went to meet a new person. This was a person I had never met, came highly recommend. She was what I like to call a shrink, she is awesome though. Immediately I felt comfortable, and she made me feel even better if that is even possible.
Things that came out of this meeting;
-it's not a good idea to kick him out if I want to salvage my marriage
-it's not my fault
-it's okay to want space
-it's okay to be angry, hurt, and frustrated.

She did recommend:
-he speak to someone immediately
-decide if I wanted to stay with him and if we could work it out verse making it work
-and make a list from each of us what we wanted and expected.

After I laughed and cried and spoke "normally" with my shrink, I went and got GMA for lunch.
Then I went home and packed his things, because I said I would. I didn't want to kick him out but I didn't want to be like him; a liar.

Sunday night

One of my worst nightmares became a reality. She is pregnant, J is FREAKING pregnant. How could he or she do this to the boys and I? What did I do, to deserve this...was I that horrible of a wife?

I know the answers to those both in my heart are; I didn't do anything to deserve this and I'm not a bad wife. He is selfish, and not trustful. He doesn't deserve me. She doesn't deserve the happiness she feels from being pregnant. I do believe she did it on purpose. She is 9 years older than I and in a non-committed relationship.
He opened the conversation with J wasn't a cook. She has a masters degree, she is a speech pathologist and she has a masters degree. She just bought her own home. WHY DO I CARE ABOUT THIS shit...
and then he says it..."She says she pregnant, and it's mine"

It's like that damn Usher song...Confession part 2.
Oh so you got her pregnant and what do you propose we do now bud, put a band aid on this and wait till our relationship heals and then rip that shit off in nine months when she has your kid?
How could you do this to your boys?
And WHAT THE HELL am I suppose to do.

Nice Weekend

We have had such a nice weekend.Not to crazy busy we celebrated E's first birthday at my moms. We have a few friends over and went in the pool, he had cake and got a few gifts. We then ventured out to a baseball game. This was not the best idea after a full day of running around but we worked with it. I bribed N with a sno-cone to behave and it worked.

Today we will go to church, relax and then later have a big dinner and we have a meeting with a financial advisor so we can get a jump start on saving to buy a house.

Great day ahead.

and he did it again...

He lied again. It's almost like the man has forgotten how to tell the truth. It's pretty pathetic if you ask me. He had text messages from her today, and tried to play it off...that he was helping her get a job because she had been "fired." (Yet another lie) I really wish someone would tell me what the hell I'm suppose to do with my life at this point. She apparently was going to go and get some Greek food from the place he works part time. Funny thing, the whole damn family who owns the restaurant knows me and the boys, so there would be questions that arise.
Long story short...early in the week he had told me he had to work this weekend at Yanni's, which he does often...me being either naive or STUPID said okay no big. He calls that day and says he isn't going to go because he wants to spend time with the boys and I. Then while in the bathroom his phone goes off and the text message says "Just tell her you have to work, we can hangout till 8 and then you can still go home and put the boys to bed"
Where do these woman crawl out of, I mean what sewer. She knows he has a family and she and he both can sleep at night it just makes me crazy.
So on my way out, I call her and ask WTF is going on between you and my husband...of course she is super vague. I guess I became a reality to her when she spoke with me. She said they had definitely seen each other more than twice...but wouldn't of course go into details.
I'm so over this crap, I wish I could wake up from the nightmare...I just have a bad feelings it's going to get worse.

Teacher in the making

I can't wait to help. I can't wait to tell these kids they have a chance to have an amazing future. I wish I could fast forward like three years and make it all a reality. I want so bad to be in a classroom helping young people educating them about what their future could potential hold. If they don't have someone to turn to...I want to be that person. But for now I wait. I wait for the day I'm done with my education, and everything that my college has to offer me. I will never stop learning though. You can't be the best if you don't stay ahead of the curve.

Fourth of July Weekend

This weekend was BUSYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Saturday we went to a family friends house and had a great time at a BBQ. E is such a water baby with not a care in the world. N is scared of the water and simply refuses to act like anything less than a spider monkey clinging for dear life. He would much rather sit in a baby pool.

Sunday was again another busy day. We had a BBQ at the church after service and then another at my mom's later in the day. The boys got to let loose, P and I got to relax because there were a bunch of people were smitten by the boys.

Lots of laundry to be done, but off tomorrow.

Pain

It hurts. Every time I really think about what has gone on behind my back. It raises questions, it makes me get this knot in my stomach to where I feel I have to swallow to keep the bile from rising up my throat. It makes me wonder if my whole marriage has been a lie or a sham. I know people make mistakes, but what did I do to deserves these mistakes.
I love my husband...maybe I didn't show it enough, maybe I didn't do his laundry right, or cook the right dinner.
Maybe I didn't make him happy or try hard enough to ask if he was happy. I guess I just got caught up in this busy crazy life and didn't see everything very clear.
Maybe the warning signs were right in front of my face, or maybe he was so slick and I didn't notice.
It's just not fair. It makes me cry and I still have to keep it together for the boys.

I will work it out on the inside because I owe it to myself and if he wants to work it out for us I guess that is a decision he has to make.

This week flew by

My week was crazy busy. While school is super busy,  I have been overly studying and writing two different papers. One paper I really messed up and waiting til the day of to complete...I do not recommend this ever!!
Before I knew it, it was Friday and the work week was over. Tonight was nice. N went to go see Cars 2 with his nanny/babysitter who we will call M, who is in his eyes basically his girlfriend.

He came home on cloud nine, couldn't stop talking about the movie. Then it came time for M to leave, and we had a MELT DOWN. One would have thought he would never see M ever again. Little did he know she would be back the very next day first thing in the morning. To make matters worse, P's mom was there to get N to stay the night. Normal he would be overjoyed, but due to the current melt down he was even more angry. It was a breath of fresh air when she finally got him out of the house for the night. One P's mom got N home he finally did calm down and enjoy his stay. That few minutes was rough. This is when I want to tell my three year old "GET IT TOGETHER!!"

After he left I managed to put E to bed, stress-free and now my house was quiet and still, I just watched a movie and went to bed rather early.

A day in the life of a crazy haired baby

E is quickly approaching his first birthday and it scares me something fierce. I can't believe my baby is going to be a year old...I feel like it flew by and now he is changing from a baby to a big boy.
His hair is CRAZY, N had some hair when he was E's age but not like this.

This is nice and put together for a photo sess

This is first thing in the morning, eating breakfast.

I see a huge difference how about you?!?

A good day

Today was a "normal day" or close to what it was six weeks ago. We woke up went to church, enjoyed the word came home ate lunch and managed to lounge around the house all day without a fight, a disagreement, or a mention of "her."

I wish everyday was normal like this but it won't ever be again. I just hope I can avoid the fights, disagreements and maybe the mention of "her," most of the time.

I pray I can make tuff it out.

My Boys

I think like most mothers think A-My kids are AWESOME, B-Amazingly Beautiful and C. Highly intelligent.

I love my boys, there are so many days lately where they are the only reason I get out of bed.

Things were getting better between P and I. We are working on it.

It's a work in progress and something I need to remind myself it won't

get fixed over night, because it didn't get ruined in a nightt.

Calling it a night.

I started Running....

I've never been one to ever willingly run. I always had the mind set if someone was chasing me, I would run like HELL...other than that no need to run. Let's be honest I've always been top heavy, and the combination of wearing two or three bras to go exhaust myself out of breath never really appealed to me. I would much rather take a class, or dance, or use the elipicital machine.

I have since changed my opinion because my sisters and my dad all signed up for this "mud run" and were convinced I wouldn't do it so they didn't even bother asking me...naturally I have to do it and now beat atleast one of them

I bought these new snazzy shoes, and some new clothes to help my motivation. I'm up to 2.5-3.0 miles a day, I've got to get to 5.0 miles and fast. The run is August 13